If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
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I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
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If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
A flock of dads is called a grill.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me: