“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
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Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
🤣😈🤣
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder