My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
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YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian