It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
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I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Simple
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.