One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
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“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]