*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
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“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff