Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
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Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome