Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
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You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house