*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
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Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.