Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
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me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
#titanic
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.