[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
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Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
dictator is short for richard potato
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there