What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.