Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
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5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’