if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
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My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.