[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
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If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain