Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
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Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
me, after any kind of buffet.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
A huge thanks to the person that did this
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Can Happiness buy money?
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]