Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
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Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking