me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
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I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.