If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
You Might Also Like
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.