Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
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Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers