Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
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MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes