It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
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Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.