I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
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People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Imma just leave this here…………
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
A small tragedy.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.