Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
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Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Seas the day!!!!
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?