Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
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[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there