The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
You Might Also Like
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Banking tips
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
This makes total sense…
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.