I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
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Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?