[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
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I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of