EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
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You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.