Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
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Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
absolute chaos
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Doug is just Canadian for dog
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Midwest trash talk
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.