If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
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Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess