Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
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My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
need him
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17