Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
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Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Fluff me with a fork baby
The only equipped I am is ill.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?