me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didnât
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighborâs ox*
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists shouldâve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate usđ¤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didnât wanna cancel
It went from âOh, you guys really want to get to know your momâ to âWhy are you asking me all these questions?â to âWhich of my accounts are you trying to get into?â
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when theyâre eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said thatâs it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title