me and my fake scenarios
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“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.