Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
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I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Previously On Persistence 😎
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.