Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
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never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Facebook marketplace is a different world
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!