I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
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Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”