In a parallel universe nobody can park.
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Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself