This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
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We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Get in loser we’re going crying
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
LOL!
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.