[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
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Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died