wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
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Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
me after eating Cheetos
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
asking santa clause for nudes
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
From my Mom
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.