Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
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Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I’m going to need a moment here.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”