Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils