If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
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Breaking news:
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
it is time once again
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”