According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
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You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*