My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
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You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.