When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
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*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
The Backseat Boys
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
He a real one for that
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.