People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Girl, same.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse