I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
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A great tip. #CakeRex
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
how much does a mortician urn in a year
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.